Work brought me to Orlando this weekend, so I took the opportunity to go to DisneyWorld and Universal Studios. With limited time, we hit the Magic Kingdom in Disney and the Islands of Adventure at Universal.

A thorough report follows -

- I’m happy to report that DisneyWorld is a total class act. It’s a lot of little things they do right. many of which I didn’t notice until we went to Universal Studios.

- Disney: Free “FASTPASS” system lets you reserve a later time to return to major rides. This system is designed to evenly distribute lines throughout the day.
- Universal: $65 “Universal Express” system lets you cut to the front of the line and get the first seats at show. It’s free if you stay at a Universal Studios hotel. This system is designed not only to reward the wealthy, but also to punish the poor. It’s also advertised outside every ride in a way that relates to the thing you’re about to wait an hour for (aka “Smash Long Lines!” outside Hulk or “Devour long waits!” outside of Jurassic Park”). Universal isn’t alone, Six Flags has a similar system called Flash Pass.

- Disney: As far as I could tell the only things your admission doesn’t cover are food, merchandise, and the $1 old-timey shooting gallery.
- Universal: Midway games of the “hit this is as hard as you can and win a random enormous stuffed animal” variety really white-trash up the place.

- Disney: $2 bottled water isn’t cheap, but it actually beats most sporting events.
- Universal: $2.75. A little more gougy, though I suppose it still beats most sporting events.

- Disney: You can substitute apple slices for french fries, and there are fresh fruit stands everywhere. Don’t get me wrong, I still picked french fries. Still, I appreciated the effort. Of course they also have a McDonalds stand that sells only french fries AKA the best McDonalds ever.
- Universal: Hope you like popcorn and churros!

- We were able to complete The Magic Kingdom to my high standards of satisfcation by dinner, thanks in large part to the Unofficial Guide to Disneyworld. If you find yourself going to Disney, I cannot reccomend spending this $13.99 enough. It covers everything you might ever want to know about, and at 864 pages many thing you don’t. The real draw is the touring plans. These specific itineraries are designed to get you on all the rides while avoiding any major waits. The five pages that describe the computer algorithm they used to design these instructions were a joy to read. In a nutshell - get to the park early (they usually open at least a half hour before they say they will) and hit the major rides first. There’s a few wrinkles (crowds are naturally drawn to the castle, so Space Mountain is the place to start) but that’s the gist. The book thoughtfully includes a Universal Studios touring plan, as Universal Studios obviously doesn’t warrant it’s own 864 page tome. I quoted and referenced the book so often this weekend that even I annoyed me.

- Universal’s Seuss Landing is mostly for kids, but it’s worth at least walking around. The Caro-Seuss-el (their pun, not mine) looked especially cool.

- This warranted it’s own post, but don’t miss the Disney Davey Dance Blog.

- During a surprise parade featuring Woody and Jesse from Toy Story, I saw a grandfather holding his 3-year-old in his hands while (presumably) his daughter taped it with a video camera. The girl was dressed like Snow White. It was so much like the commercials, I thought they might all be animatronic.

- Universal Studios has a Bob Marley theme restaurant. I don’t pretend to know a lot about Bob Marley, but I’m pretty sure this is inappropriate. I wonder which of his shitty descendants approves these things.

- I know who the Disney characters are, but it’s a little unclear where Universal Studios draws it’s licenses from.
- Their new headliner attraction is based on The Mummy franchise. Sure we all saw those, but can anyone actually remember anything that happens in a Mummy movie? I think there was a two-level bus in the second one. (the upcoming Tomb of the Dragon Emperor screams “I was originally a different script, and they shoe-horned the Mummy franchise into me.”)
- Credit where credit’s due - Universal has done some great work with Marvel. Spider-Man and Hulk both live up to their namesakes.There’s a Dr. Doom ride that’s just a generic, “sit around the outside of a tall tower get shot into the air and dropped back down” but after a day of Disney it was fun to see something villain themed. Even Storm gets her own ride, but it’s basically the teacups.
- Universal Studios’ Toon Lagoon spotlights such minor characters that it’s almost embarassing. I love anything related to Rocky and Bullwinkle, but you have to wonder how many people recognize Dudley Do-Right on the Splash Mountain rip-off Dudley Do-Right’s Ripsaw Falls (to be fair how many people have actually seen the still-not-on-home-video Song of the South?). Toon Lagoon also features a loving tribute to shitty newspaper comic strips nobody cares about including Family Circus, Mark Trail, Cathy, Hi and Lois, Prince Valiant, and more.There’s even a place to take your picture with Marmaduke, a cartoon dog who appears in Parade magazine and is unrecognizable to anyone under the age of 70.

- Since we were only at Islands of Adventure I didn’t get to see The Simpsons Ride, but I’m willing to assume it’s not funny and I hate it. Sure The Simpsons are huge, but when it’s good it’s still a sitcom. It seems like it’d be impossible to combine a motion simulator with sharp comedy. This is the kind of thing the Simpsons would have made fun of in Itchy and Scratchy land. The Simpsons Ride replaces the fan-favorite Back to the Future Ride. Let me get this straight Universal, you think Back to the Future is no longer relevant but you’re still putting on the Beetlejuice Graveyard Revue?

- Not only are the robots in the Hall of Presidents boring, but there’s a 10-minute boring movie before you get the boring robots. I’m using the word movie loosely, it’s more of a slide show. The mostly empty theater was so optimistically large, that when the curtain finally goes up on the President-bots you can’t even tell who is who. A robo-Bush closes the show by delivering a long monologue without tripping over his words, which means there’s something a robot does better than the president.

- My favorite was probably The Haunted Mansion. Spider-Man was unlike any other ride I’ve ever been on.

- Both Disney and Universal Studios scan your fingerprint when you enter the park. Wait, what? I have some fairly strong beliefs about privacy, I’ll trade liberty for Space Mountain almost any day.

- Final reviews: I had a blast at DisneyWorld, but even after only The Magic Kingdom I’m pretty sure I’m good for at least a decade-and-a-half. Universal Studios is fun, but not significantly better than a good Six Flags.