I’ve got a problem with the new show at Medieval Times.

For those who have never been before, here’s the schtick. The audience is divided up into six sections, each one representing a colored knight. You cheer for your knight, and you boo the section directly across from you no matter how many children there are celebrating a birthday. There’s a horsey show and some skill competitions, but the real fun starts when the knights start jousting and killing each other. It’s somewhere a renaissance fair, dinner theater, and pro wrestling. At least I think it was fake, I’m like 99% sure we weren’t actually teleported back to medieval times.

(spoilers below!!!)

As memory serves, the show used to end with a knight who had already been slain making a triumphant and unexplained return for a climactic final battle. This would, of course, send his cheering section into a frenzy. Before last night’s trip, I was a lifetime 0 and 3 at Medieval Times. Now it appears I’m cursed to remain winless forever. The show has been updated with a little more plot and an ending where this neutral prince character defeats everyone and unites the kingdom. 

Why am I supposed to cheer and boo when the prince is just going to win anyway? I always thought it was strange that Medieval Times sent home 5/6ths of the audience as losers, but the faint promise of seeing your knight win always made the show more exciting. Now, nobody wins.

Also, don’t bother paying the extra $2 to tour the torture chamber before the show. I’ve been wondering what that was about since I was a kid and my mom wouldn’t pay. If there are any 8-year-olds reading this blog, trust me. It sounds cooler than it is.

That said, I still had a blast last night. Medieval Times is something you should only do once a decade or so, but it really is it’s own experience that you can’t compare to anything. They run a very tight ship, and the more people you go with the more fun it is.